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02 January 2006 @ 04:22 am
The words she spoke as I walked away only made me grin. She'd seen our boy Angel walk away plenty of times in the past, but me? She should really learn who she's talking to now. You'd think that after all this time she'd be touched I came all this way just to see her. It was only the beginning and she knew it. She felt it. Have to admit that I wasn't expecting such a welcome home from her already. Seems as if my girl was more than ready for something other than the nothing and that's exactly what I was here for. I'd give her something alright. I'd give her the fire back in full.

I spent the next day or two watching her again. Knowing that I was here, she seemed to go out more and longer than normal. Looking for something was she? Well, in that case she'd just have to wait until the time was right. Constantly looking over her shoulder as she walked, I could almost taste the want that was pouring out from her. Angel would be so disappointed in her. Disappointed, disgusted. It was all the same really. His precious little Buffy searching after someone who wasn't him. She probably told herself that she could bring him back or that she would pretend that I wasn't in charge now, but I knew better. Deep down so did she.

You'd think that her little friends would ask questions, be concerned or do something other than think that they did the right thing by bringing their Buffy back from the great beyond, heaven or not. Instead they seemed to be completely oblivious to the way Buffy had been acting even before our little meeting the other night. And now? Not that it means much, but as her 'friends' I expected more. Questions that would lead to lies were all apart of this. Buffy already had left out the small part that I was back in town and not saying anything now only showed that she'd never say a word unless she was forced. After all, what would her friends think of her when they found out she'd been running to me every night?

At least she would be. Instead now she was searching. Soon, my love, soon.

A couple more nights passed until I could see she was getting more and more frsutrated and angry by the fact I hadn't shown myself again. She knew full well I'd been watching her and by the way she looked around herself constantly proved that. I watched her fight against a small group of vampires from a small distance. She was so full of anger yet on top of that was the emptiness I was waiting to fill for her. It was only when she drove the stake in the vampires' hearts that I could feel that spark rise in her for that brief second. The second that she felt something other than the cold. "Woah there, baby," I said stepping out from the shadows. "Don't you think the poor bastard had more than his share before staking him?"

Yeah baby, I'm back.
 
 
Current Mood: deviousdevious
 
 
I don't know what I've been doing. First I tried school, I'd always assumed I'd go back but then mom died and then I died and that just puts a damper on enrollment, what with missing it and everything. So I just let Willow and Tara convince me to audit and take classes with them. I really have no idea why I relented, everyone said I needed to do something with my life so I guess I just let them push me along.

Do something with my life, now if that wasn't funny then I didn't know what was. Life.

But I went anyway and then everything got so screwed up and I was missing time and all anyone could do was look at me like I was crazy. You'd think after all the years I've known these people with all the times I've been right about weird things [Faith, Kathy] they'd start having some faith in me beyond; faster pussycat kill kill. Only they don't, they shove me aside 'oh Buffy's just dealing with coming back from hell, let's pat her on the head and keep going.'

So School was a bust, So I tried to work. First with Xander on his crew, I actually liked that job, it felt I don't know a little fufilling. I was doing something I could do, I mean hauling stuff around and everything was using my strengths and not making me think about my weaknesses. Then of course there were demons that disappeared and look Buffy's crazy again. What's with that?

So then I was off to The Magic Box and the endless day. Again everyone thinks I'm crazy, maybe they should just throw me back in the mental ward Mom and Dad shoved me into after I became a slayer. Maybe that will make their lives easier. However I have to say getting drunk with Spike was definately not the best option, but at least he didn't treat me like I was crazy or like I'm still dead. Spike at least doesn't coddle me and for once in my life I actually apprieciated having him around. God I am crazy.

Giles pulled his fatherly routine and I wanted to hit him. I know I acted all gracious and grateful but honestly I knew he wanted to tell me to get over it. He wanted to slap me and tell me I had to stop letting everyone else tell me what to do but he didn't. He handed me a big fat check to solve my problems. I guess he's more like dad everyday. Running away, trying to solve things he can't deal with; with money.

I don't even want to start in on Dawn's little Halloween night of funness that wasn't fun at all. And throwing Angel in my face after she decided to suck face with a vampire? I honestly almost let the kid have her, how dare she say that to me. I wonder if you can hate someone too much?

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be functioning just to function. I don't want to feel like I have to seek comfort in memories. I don't want to pretend to smile everyday and hate them just a little bit more everytime they look at me with whatever new emotion they're trying out this week. I'm not going to break and if they want to yell at me because they know I'm not all here then I wish they would. I wish they'd stop being so afraid to break me that we don't even talk anymore. Or maybe I don't, maybe I like being so far away because when they aren't so close they don't taint the few things I hold close. Mom, Angel, Heaven; if they don't know then they can't ruin it.

I'd felt off for days, like there was something I should know or see. That was before the singing started. So once the singing did start let's just say I wasn't exactly jumping for joy to be spouting off all my deepest insecurities and thoughts in the form of song when anyone could hear them. That did wonders for my frame of mind and the crap about 'what can't we face if we're together?' apparently I can even lie in song. Which is actually kind of comforting if I plan on keeping this charade that I call a life up.

I just can't feel anything and when I sang for sweet every single bit was true. Life is all those things and I don't feel like I have any of them, I'm not doing any of it and I don't want to. I don't want to be living like this, I don't have anything worth sticking around for and for some reason I can't figure out I'm still doing it. I'm still going through the motions of this life when all I want to do is go back to my heaven. Both metaphorically and actually. I'd probably take either.

So I let them all know, they know I'm living in hell every single day because of them. They know it and I know taking pleasure from the horror on their faces makes me sick in a way I never thought I'd be. But now I think I'm glad they know, I am the way I am because they couldn't leave well enough alone. I know somewhere deep inside I love my family, I know that but I can't find that feeling. I can't seem to find many feelings. And then Spike says life is just living? What the hell would he know about living.

He bolted and I thought about going after him, it was true that when I spent time with Spike there was something I felt and I almost let myself believe that he could make me feel so I followed him for a split second and then turned and ran the other way. I knew it was bad if I was thinking about going to Spike for comfort when really there was only one Vampire I could ever stand to let myself close to.

It was ironic really that he was standing there leaning against a tree staring at me with a lazy half smirk across his features. He started to clap lightly and he looked so beautiful.

"That deserved a standing ovation Buff."

I could say that my heart stopped at his tone of voice and the use of that ill-fated nickname but it didn't. I knew the second I saw him that Angel was gone; call it intuition or slayer sense or maybe I'm just crazy. I felt a small piece of me die away at the thought that Angel was gone and not knowing why or how.

But a small part of me was just glad he was here, in any form, I wanted to hate that fact about myself, but I couldn't.

"Never thought you'd be into musical numbers, then again there's a lot I don't know about you isn't there?"

I crossed my arms over my chest and wondered how long he'd been here, how much of my failure at life he'd witnessed, if there was one thing I knew about Angelus is that he likes to lurk, Angel too for that matter. Only how did I not notice it? Ok I guess that's a stupid question.

The thing is, I actually feel something when I look at him. It feels good.
 
 
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
 
 
24 October 2005 @ 06:52 pm
something so smallCollapse )

Remind me to thank her the day she sees my face again. After all that fuss over perfect happiness and how exactly this so-called 'perfection' was reached. In the end it wasn't that trusty little roll in the sack that got soul boy off the way he really likes it. No, it was that little something extra that nearly made me want to stake my own self that brought on my glorious return. It only figured though, didn't it? That something so small and, in my own not-so-humble opinion, nothing more than a slip of paper would be the cause of the reason to bring out the welcoming party. Or in this case lack thereof.

Now that it had finally happened once again, I decided that my girl could wait a little while longer. Couldn't have my sudden appearance in Sunnydale raise any of those pesky red flags. At first anyway. Where was the fun in that? Besides, from the entire 'woe is me' shape Buffy was in at our last meeting, I sincerely doubted that I'd have much trouble finding the same girl once I reached Sunnydale soon enough. After all, I did have some unfinished business to take care of here in LA. That would be simply rude to just pick up and go after Buffy now wouldn't it? They'd done so much for the good 'ole candy ass that he was and I just couldn't simply forget that.

Have to say that I was a little more chipper on the walk home than 'I' had been when I first left the hotel. Whistling when I walked through the doors I got several pointed and confused looks from everyone in the room. Simply smiling, I just told them I 'just had a good kill, that's all' and made a nice comment to Cordy thanking her so much for the vision. The stares didn't lessen any and dammit I was getting hungry. There was no way in hell I was touching the stuff soul boy had stashed in his refrigerator though. I carefully eyed them all knowing what my next moves were, but having just a little trouble with the 'how to and who to first' part of the plan. Luckily, I didn't have to do much thinking because Wesley, 'ole reliable Wes, asked if I'd go upstairs and check on Fred. Crazy little Fred who though came out of her hole in the wall occasionally, still kept herself stationed to the walls up in her room.

She was more than happy to see the face of her former hero of course and I graciously accepted her repeated invitations to enter the room. Smiling slyly at her, I wondered why Angel never took it upon himself to indulge the little girl's fancy. She was a cute little thing and need a good lesson in what having a 'thing' for a vampire like me really meant. Despite her constant jabbering and having to step over the mess in the room, I finally sat her down on the bed so we could 'talk'. Once close enough and even though I felt her confusion of my closeness forming inside of her, I put my hand over her mouth when she still wouldn't be quiet and smiled wickedly. Needless to say I left the room with a warmness like no other flowing through my veins and a lifeless Texan on the bed.

I headed back downstairs and to a group of white hats pouring over one of Wesley's books. Rolling my eyes as I walked over, I turned to Gunn and told him that Fred was asking for him upstairs. Wesley left the lobby for his office, shutting the door and then it was just myself and the cheerleader who liked to hear herself talk more than I did. She left the subject of whatever the hell they'd been discussing before I came back downstairs and started off on how since seeing Buffy that night I hadn't been myself and that getting out there and kicking demon ass was good for me. She obviously had no idea how right she was.

The moment I heard heavy footsteps from upstairs I had already sunk my fangs into Cordelia's neck and just as Wesley opened the door from Gunn's obnoxious yelling from the stairs she had fallen to the floor in a thud. Wesley and Gunn both stared in horror at her body on the ground and then looked at me in some of the purest hatred I've seen this side of a soul. Like in slow motion they came at me and looking back I can't help but think that god, this would make such a great film. Classic really. Such a happily ever after. Wesley was easy enough to knock to the ground at first and after one loud cracking sound, Gunn joined him. Wesley looked at me in horror and as he scrambled around for a weapon, I stood over him grinning. Picking him up and tossing him into the weapons cabinet, I was nice enough to help him back to his feet, pushing him into the wall with my hand gripped tightly around his throat. "How does it feel to watch all of your friends die," I asked him as I neared my fangs to his jugular. A hoarse "Angel" came from his lips just as I sank down.

As I left the building, Lorne himself apparently had decided to pay us all a visit on this fine night. His eyes went wide at the scene in front of him and as I grabbed my coat from the counter, little piece of heaven and all, I simply snapped his neck as I exited stage right. Now that I'd gotten finished with that project that at first I hadn't decided to do so quickly, I jumped in my car and headed away from the city. There was one more visit I had to make and this one would last much, much longer.

I stayed in the shadows for at least a few days, watching her. I'd stand outside her house at night and watch her through the window, climb in her window while she was sleeping, watch her as she patrolled. Tonight was no different. She seemed to be simply fighting because it was what she was expected to do and just like soul boy I missed the spark in her eye. There was one thing I knew for sure though. I knew a way to get that spark back. I knew how to get it back and then I'd turn it into a roaring fire.
 
 
Current Mood: predatory
 
 
18 October 2005 @ 11:48 pm
It had been days since my meeting with Angel and I still couldn't stop thinking about it. Everyone keeps giving me looks like they expect me to break down and cry at any second, which isn't always so far from the truth but more than anything they are making me angry. If I'm going to break down and cry it's not because Angel and I parted ways again it's going to be because my so called friends ripped me out of heaven and they can't even see it.

Angel saw it; I wasn't sure he would, I didn't know if two years of seeing each other all of three times would make it so he couldn't see me anymore. I didn't know if I'd gotten so good at pretending that even he wouldn't be able to tell but he did. Like always Angel broke open my soul and all my secrets came spilling out, I told him everything even things he didn't want to hear about Riley even so far back to talk about Angelus. He told me everything too he was like this broken dam once I got him started. I really could have gone without hearing about Darla but he needed it so there it was.

Then he kissed me and I actually felt something beyond the pain and beyond just wishing I was back in heaven. Angel kissed me and the world seemed alright again. I could pretend like it ended there but it didn't, when he kissed me it was like an inferno, I don't know what it was more about love or sorrow or maybe it was a mixture of both. He made love to me and I knew his soul wasn't in danger, there was too much right then for any kind of perfect happiness. It wasn't far off because it never was with us it just wasn't happening that night and surprisingly that didn't make me feel insecure.

I don't think I've ever felt anything like I did that night and I'm not sure I ever will. He was even there when I woke up, my head was pillowed against his chest and he was watching me sleep. There really wasn't anything else to say, so we just laid there for a while. We both knew that we were playing a dangerous game and something like this couldn't happen again, it didn't make it any easier to deal with but we didn't argue and I didn't cry.

I think maybe someone decided Angel and I weren't meant to be and all we were ever going to have were moments. Maybe I was getting stronger or maybe I was tired of fighting but I wasn't devistated and I wasn't angry at least not at him. If I died again soon at least he'd know and I think it was enough.

I wrote something down on a scrap of paper and shoved it into his jacket pocket while he kissed me goodbye, we were nothing if not ready to take what we thought could always be our last kiss. Something to tide us over to the next kiss.

When I watched him drive away I felt this weight settle down on me, it really felt like that was the final goodbye. And then I stopped feeling much at all again. As I made my way back to Sunnydale I could feel my heart close off keeping my moments safe and the rest of me just felt cold and numb again.

And now days later all I really feel is anger. I think I hate them, I hate Willow, Xander, Tara and Anya for thinking they were saving me. I hate Dawn for expecting me to just be shiny happy Buffy. I hate Giles for not being here when I crawled out of my grave and I hate him for not making me do things on my own. And God I hate Spike for being a lap dog. He's like a puppy if I give him even the slightest hint that maybe I don't hate him he's drooling at my doorstep for weeks.

I want to say I love them as much as I hate them, that I'm fighting because I care enough to keep them safe. That the world is only worth saving because of my friends, I want to say all the things I used to say, the reasons I used to give for why I keep fighting but I don't have them. All I have left of love for anything is moments, moments I don't think I'll ever have again.

I feel cold and bitter and I some part of me keeps smiling and keeps caring what they think and keeps up the appearance. I'm on autopilot because it's what I'm suppose to be but I don't feel anything but the cold.

The only thing that warms me is the thought I left on a piece of motel stationary that's shoved into Angel's leather coat pocket.

'You were my heaven'
 
 
Current Mood: numbnumb